Dying

ok so since my other blog post was a complete cop out (yep answering someone elses questions does fill space but is still a cop out) so i thought i would write about how shit life is.

yesterday i found out that N (my best friend) lost her nan. now i know we all lose our grandparents at one time but it seems that this was really crap as it was only 5 weeks ago she was told she was ill. anyway i was going to write her a sympathy card but i couldn't think of what i should write. then i remembered a monologe type poem which i love and i thought i would share it here as it always makes me feel better when i lose someone and hope it will her as well.

i am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side, spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean.
she is an object of beauty and strength.
i stand and watch her unitl at length she hands like a spec of white cloud, just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
then someone at my side says "there she is gone"
Gone where? gone from my sight that is all.
she is just as large in mast & hull & spar as she was when she left my side, and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
her diminished size is in me not in her.
and just at the moment when someopne at my side says 'there she is gone" there are other eyes watching her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout "here she comes"
and that is dyiong

i love it, makes me remember that people we have lost are just somewhere else!

Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No but i was going to be named virginia after my nan, but my nan wouldn't ket my parents call me that as she said it was a cruel thing to do to a child

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
today, after i spoke to my best friend who just lost her nan.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
yes most of the time although it changes depending on what pen i use

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
ooooh do i have to pick one? erm probably chicken

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
yep one very very beautiful little boy

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
probably, although i have my days

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
of course not!!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yep i do

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
i would unless it was off the bridge near me coz i am frightened of it!!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
special k

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
not always

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
i don't just have one, i just like ice cream!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
teeth, and smell, both of whihc if they're put me off them.

15. WHICH CELEBRITY DO YOU MOST RESEMBLE?
liza minelli people keep telling me. wish i looked like her mother

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my smelly feet!!!!

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST.
i miss my nan and grandad and uncle as they r gone to the big garden in the sky and i miss my mom and sister daily because they are my best friends!

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
if they want to

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
green and white

20. FAVORITE SOUNDS:
my little boy giggling, it is the best sound in the world and should be sold to depressed people.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
the tv.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
erm........ no idea maybe green

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
be delicious by dkny and johnsons baby loition

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my mom

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
we i actually pinched it from someone's facebook profile but yes i like them

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
rugby, gymnastics, ice skating,

27. Hair COLOR?
chocolate with gold highlights, a new colour done last thurs!

28. EYE COLOR?
brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS
no, although i have tried funny coloured ones and they didn't suit me.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
anything. it would b easier to ask me the foods i don't like, peas, green beans and sweetcorn!!!


31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
both

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
time travellers wife - sob!!!

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
white

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
i love summer coz everyone is in a good mood, but i love fresh winter days when the sun is out and its snowed!!!

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
hugs, its all about the hugs

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
??????

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
??????


39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
tutenakumen - about a murder mystery in egypt

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
don't have one, as have an apple mac

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
not much as i spent time watching my little boy laughing

42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
beatles. ironic value: they sung 'will you still need me, will you still feed me, when i'm sixty-four?' and paul mcartney and his wife split just before his 64th birthday! Guess the answer is a massively expensive NO paul.

43. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
mexico

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
yep i am very musical and will try my hand at almost any instrument

46 WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
walsall (not poland!!)

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
im enjoying my own contributions way too much to listen to what others have to say on the matter.

injections

(ok so i actually wrote this blog on 17th feb but thought i had lost it!)

so as the title of my blog suggests, today has all been about L.J's injections. i spent the 15 minutes in the waiting room with my tummy churning and then after a quick check on the weighing scales (he's now 10lb 10) i had to take him for a check up with the doc. it then transpires that in fact he has one testicle that is much smaller than the other so he will have to have a visit with a paediatrician. so then the health visitor called me into the the room for injections and i could feel my heart jump and even a sheen of sweat appearing on my top lip. why was i so scared i hear you asking? i mean its not like its me getting the jab right? well it was wwwaaayyy worse. when they first put it in he was ok but then he really started to cry and they still had to do the second one which was in the other leg, which just made him cry all the more.

i have to say i was very proud of him though as the crying only lasted a few minutes and then he was back to his smily self unlike some of the babies in the waiting room! unlike me i have to say, had i not had my mother in law there i would probably have burst into tears as i felt awful letting someone make him cry that much, but the way i have to look at it is that now he will be covered for life against some very terrible diseases.

ok gonna go eat some lob scaws(welsh version of stew!)

xoxoxo

Dreams can come true......

Well I bloody well hope not ha ha! I was dreaming about killer slugs last night so I don't really want that one to come true do I?

Ok so Valentines day was good, i got my first bunch of flowers in about 8 years so not too shabby if I do say so myself. We went for a meal at the hotel where we got married and there were all candles etc so it was a really nice meal. The pudding was to die for and I could've eaten the rest of the cake!!

But its obvious that we are parents now as we came home watched a film and I was asleep by ten thirty. Life and soul of the party me!!!!

L.J has his jabs tomorrow and I am none too happy about it. I am sure he will be fine but its just the thought of something deliberately making him cry is awful. It doesn't help that I already have issues with needles either! My mother in law is coming to for moral support and then I am going to hers to spend the day as I thought that was a good idea as if he runs a temperature or anything afterwards at least I am not on my own since S is at work.

right gotta go warm some bottles

xoxo

argggggghhhh i hate people in department stores

why is it that a small minority of people who work in department stores feel the need to make their customers feel like sub standard human beings? well this is exactly what happened to me yesterday.

ok so here's the story: after a wonderful lunch with C i decided to nip into the famous department store and whilst there i saw this BEAUTIFUL pair of purple suede shoes that i was pretty sure would go perfectly with the dress i am wearing to R & S's wedding. However as usual my brain got the better of me and i began to question that they were the right colour (as it always does when i see the 'perfect' shoes!!) so after checking the price, which was almost too good to be true, £70 down to £21.

anyway i am going off on a tangent. so i went to ask the assistant if i got the shoes home and they were the wrong color could i swap them for something else. This is where my finding the perfect shoe story turned into a nightmare. After looking me up and down like i was a piece of dirt she turned and said "yes so long as you don't leave it forever to bring them back.. and make sure you haven't WORN them" i put the word worn in caps because she emphasised this word as if it was a foul taste in her mouth!!! At first i just stood there in disbelief, i mean did i look like the type of person to buy shoes, wear them and then take them back.

So after a few moments i could feel all the blood rushing to my face and from that moment on i knew there was no going back, i said "pardon me? do i look like the type of person to bring back worn shoes? is there a reason you felt the need to be that rude to me? or are you like that to everyone?" the look on the assistants face was a picture!! i then said "never mind i will be buying the shoes and even if they are wrong i will be keeping them, but i will also be making a complaint to your head office about you complete lack on good customer service" and with that i left her standing there

I actually think this was quite good of me, because the way i felt i could have embedded the heel of the shoes i was buying into her scalp!!!

right now that is over with i feel much better. I did get a lovely bunch of flowers from S yesterday, and he bought L.J a new t-shirt. i think he was really very proud of himself.

ok nite nite

xoxo

sleepy sleepy sleepy

ok so as i intimated with the title of my blog today has all been about sleep. the fact that i don't get enough at the moment and the fact that the sleep i do get is tainted by crazy dreams.

on the subject of dreams, did you ever wake up and think "what the hell???" see today after a small catnap while L.J was sleeping i had the crazyest dreams. They were a bit like the ones i had while pregnant but this time i could remembered EVERY detail. oh well maybe they will eventually wear off when i am less sleep deprived.

spoke to JL last night and she agrees that LW is just trying to provoke a response with her very barbed comment on facebook.l why is it that people have to make a big deal about EVERYTHING? i guess jealousy makes people do crazy stuff.

ok better get little man to bed as i am going to lunch tomorrow with C

nite nite

xoxo

18.01.2010

Eventful day just does not cover it!! me & S had planned to take L.J to visit his works mates but as seems to be a daily occurrence we ended up in an argument and all because S didn't want me to come along, i mean why would he want to go on his own? what could he have to hide that he was so aggressive about it? am i just paranoid? who knows but i ended up telling him fine to take him on his own and as i let go of the pram it took that moment to swerve to the right - in the direction of the road! TYPICAL so now S thinks i was trying to kill L.J, which obviously i didn't. Although i didn't admit it, my heart did jump into my mouth as it happened and even though i tried to cover by telling S i knew he was there to get the pram, i knew it was a mistake as soon as it happened.

ok don't wanna talk about it anymore as it makes me wanna cry

xoxox

17.01.2010

ok so today was an officially good day which is kinda miraculous seeing as last nite was shite!!! L.J refused to contemplate sleep in any way shape or form and just spent the entire time fidgeting, and as usual S was no help - it's almost becoming like he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything in the middle of the night, and so i find myself getting more and more annoyed by it as the days go by.

I don't think it would be so bad if just once he would say "I'll have him on my side" or "you stay there I'll do it" but instead as i mentioned before we get the huff and turn over treatment. Again i find myself feeling like the most awful wife complaining as today he has been wonderful, although that might have something to do with the 2 days off work he has coming up.

i had a day out as well today with C at the boatyard for a carvery lunch and it was very very nice but i must say how C copes with little T is beyond me as he is so hyper, i so hope L.J is not like that at his age.

i managed to get anti colic bottles from tesco today so we shall have to see if they work, i really hope so. he does seem to be winding better now (although i shouldn't speak too loud!) i am beginning to wonder if the ready made milk we used on the family trip was what caused the problem, whatever it is anyway its taken 10 days to get him back to normal!

As if it wasn't enough for him to have wind, the poor little mite now has a very large sucking blister on his top lip, and people keep getting all stressed at me about it, but like i keep telling them it is actually a good thing because it means he is feeding well. He is growing so much and i can't believe he is almost 5 weeks old especially as it feels like he has always been here.

since L.J was born and even before when i was pregnant people kept telling me that we will be really good parents, but how do you know? there are time when i really worry that i will be snappy with him if i am tired and then i worry that he Will pick up on all the fighting that seems to be going on at the moment.

well enough worry for one night xoxo

Diet day!! 15.01.21010

So as of today i am officially back on the diet treadmill! - I feel like i have eaten so much crap since L.J was born. I am rooting out my weight watchers binder though because it seems that over the last 5 years that is the only diet (although i think I'm supposed to call it a lifestyle change not a diet!!) that's worked for me, especially when i was pregnant. i mean to actually lose a pound in weight at the end of my pregnancy compared to the beginning is actually kinda crazy spectacular!!!!!

Now as for the exercise that's a nut i will need to start cracking again too. At least i have a fairly near goal in mind as it's just over 4 months to R's wedding and i want to have dropped AT LEAST at least a stone as 14 stone something would be a dream and i don't think i have been that weight since 2nd year uni

I think the only way of achieving this however is shopping lists that i stick to as well as shopping online, which to be honest with you is a dream come true with a new baby.

Being off for the next 6 months is also a help because i can fit in a exercise hour for my wii fit every day which was just impossible before with work etc, and as for pushing L.J's pram well sometimes that is am amazing workout especially if there is shopping underneath, not to mention the numerous times i carry him up and downstairs!!

I'm not sure i will go and join the weight watchers group i was at though as not only is it £20 a month which is kinda steep, if i can't get there because of L.J then it is a complete waste.

right enough waffle L.J needs putting down

nite nite xoxo

12.01.2010

ok day one on my owsn as a mommy. S has gone back to work. i am a little nervous as i might be a little on edge in a few weeks time after spending each and every day with L.J - although maybe because i am aware of being nervous it is probably a good thing as i will be able to spot any warning signs.

the health visitor should be here soon - i hope she's nice! the fiorst thing i need to ask her is about the rash on L.J's face and back. it could just be heat rash or milk spots but i have a inkling that it may be something more.

right short and sweet today as from the look on L.J's face i suspect he is doing a poo!

10.01.2010

we are home!!! and even though it was nice to be back with the family, it is just as nice to be back in my own house in my own bed, don't you agree? L.J seems a bit more chilled out as well, whihc is probably due to him being in his own enviroment.

me & S had yet another argument on the drive back as he keeps just expecting that i will do everything for L.J and even though i don't mind doing the majority (it's my job right?) when it comes to some stufff i.e lifting the car seat it's just physically impossible after my c section but it's seems he is incapable of understanding this.

now for my mom's nugget of wisdom regarding why not just mine but most people's husbands respond this way to their forst child

1) i am L.J mommy and as such i am more naturally aware of his needs and in my husband's eyes i am better equipt to deal with the afore mentioned needs

2) prior to L.J's arrival S was the focus of my world(not literally but you can see my point!) and now he is a little jealous as he realises he never will be any more

but to be honest all i am asking for is a little bit more understanding, i mean is it too much to ask that when L.J needs feeding in the night and i have to turn on the light that he doesn't turn over with a huff like i did it just to p**s him off? i mean i could be asking him to feed him duriong the night but i don't even thoughb i am tired too.

however he has been quite nice today so i guess i shouldn't moan right?

ok off to try and have a cat nap

xoxo

07.01.2010

ok so i am back home and have been through the trauma of the obligitory family visit. all i can say about it is oooh what a night! got the distinct impression that A.S was green with envy over L.J as she kept interjecting with comments about her grandson on a regular basis. i hate it when you go somewhere and there are people there who are supposed to be happily looking forward to seeing you and they just sit there looking like they swallowed a wasp.. i mean they could at least try right?

and as for L.H well she practically dumped her son in bed and ran back downstairs... probably frightened of missing something!

the only genuine person there was K. But i could have kissed L.J to death as he was sooooo well behaved, i think they were quite disappointed as they were hoping i would have a difficult baby that they could complain about!

oh well at least tomorrow i get to see my real friends and they are the only reason i came to be honest!

As for being at home Dad had a massive go at me and all over bloody SUGAR!!! he actually told me that i could leave if i wanted to!! and all because i told him and JE not to fall out over sugar! however i know he is feeling sorry now as i just spoke to him on the phone and his parting words were "goodnight babe" oh well leavve him to sulk. i just wish JE could see how his attitude pisses some people off at lot of the time!

S & i also had a huge row this morning whihc basically involved me telling him to grow a pair and act like a dad. the final result was me crying for almost an hour!! we always seem to have the same fight when we travel home and i never understand why he can't just be nice and drive, and then to make matters worse he was coming into the hotel room and accidentally hit me in the stomach with the moses basket making him feel about 100% better about himself, NOT.

ok gonna go lie down as am exhausted nite nite

xoxo

02.01.2010

well it's a new year and it has been a crazy couple of days! me and s have finally seemed to have established some sort of routine and he is definatley getting better at looking after L.J, whihc i am rather glad about as i was beginning to worry that every time feeding came around he would try for a little while but then hand him off to me.

As for L.J his bowel movements (sorry disgusting i know!) seems to finally be a bit better, although to be honest it now seems as if we have gone from constipated and hardly ever pooing to pooing a little too much! but i guess since i was almost begging for a poo last week i shouldn't complain!

i am SO excited to be going home on thursday - not so excited for the family visit as you can only imagine what some family members will be like!! but i am really looking forward to seeing N.D

ok off the make baby bottles

xoxo

31.12.2009 (nearly 2010)

ok so for the third year in a row i am spending new year's eve alone, two years ago just as he is tonight S is in bed snoring although granted unlike this year 2 years ago he was drunk as a skunk! and then last year he was such a complete arsehole that i spent midnight on my own, freezing my backside off on the pier! oh well guess i'm not truly on my own as L.J is here with me, even if he is fast asleep too!!!!

the weather is also absolutley poo so am i actually for once glad to be indoors with the fire blazing away!

wonder how many phone calls we get at midnight? as it is usually me who calls probably not many!

right i am off to get a nice warm cuppa (i know exciting ey?)

see you next year, 2009 was legend!!!

xoxo

30.12.2009

Today is my first time spending any time away from L.J and i feel WEIRD.

It feels little bit like when you know you had something with you but you've forgotten it. Do you know that feeling? well thats how it feels anyway.

i am also finding it harder and harder not to get annoyed at S. He is great during the daytime but then at night he disappears up into his attic hideaway and leaves me completely on my own, which really irritates me because it is at night when i really need him most! I just don't understand why he doesn't get that and i don't really feel like i can tell him because then he ends up feeling sorry for himself, instead of understanding my point.

The funny bit about it all is that he seems to be aware that i am struggling and comes to give me hugs etc but then disappears! oh well enough winging, maybe i am just a very ungrateful wife??

On another topic my father's side of the family are finally aware of L.J's presence - that should be an interesting turn of events, wonder how many congratualtions cards i get... let me see? i predict NONE

27.12.2009

Well what an eventful day!

Mom and Dad came yesterday, so we all had a great 24 hours together. I was really surprised when they got here as dad was so excited that he practically ran into the house to look at L.J and then everytime I looked he was looking at him.

As expected Mom was over the moon and couldn't stop holding him. She also let me in on the secret that the day before boxing day Dad got v.v.v.v drunk and started singing "i'm a Grandad". Who would have thought he would be so proud of me?

Mom says that when L.J has his dummy in he looks like me, so i guess he has my eyes and nose??

Right i am going to go and watch a film.... god my house seems SO quiet now

xoxo

26.12.2009

boxing day huh?

well i have new journals and a new baby boy, so i have decided to fill these pages with all the little things he does. he is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL and he pulls the most gorgeous little faces. i can't even complain about pooey nappies or sleepless nights because they really aren't that bad!

the only complaint i have is the my wonderful husband S. is well meaning and trying hard, but is now getting crabby and in being so is starting to do less and less, just wish he didn't get so p***ed off when i ask him to do anything.

plus he is sooooo jumpy and keeps checking on him EVERY 5 minutes which just keeps disturbing him.

oh well enough moaning for now